The only way to reach someone like this is through the pain of consequence. Narcissists engage in hot-and-cold behavior and intermittent reinforcement to keep you hooked in the relationship. Once you see that and live your life as a whole person with thoughts, ideas and etc., of your own, you will flourish. You also need to let him know that if he damages anything of yours again you will go straight to the police. Or just the other day, he said he got a call from Monica, a cheque bounced. Actually I feel freed by the decision to leave him for the first time in over three years I feel like I have part of my strength back. And I just been letting get away with these destructive things. That was my on feeling of insecurity. 17 up above, Deborah said she likes to think of the narcissists brain as a mass of short circuited wires that just dont connect. I read that narcissists may have faulty brain circuitry left brain/right brain functions dont work properly, making it difficult for them to process information much like people with dyslexia see the alphabet backwards or skewed somehow. How different from what I normally get from my husband. She loves me for a mattervof time, its all good, but then hates next, the patterns are the same, im close to divorseN her, almost went to family courts, just to set the boundaries the she refuses to have.. And priorites.its 6 years yesterday, I mean, shes in and then out of my life, the love of my life ..yall pray for me Pray for us. Within weeks it deteriorated, he became intimidating, coercing, suddenly took over finances, isolated me in a new country etc. So I became the breadwinner but still worked from home where I could monitor and also protect him. Leave, and dont look back. Is it an NPD thing that they dont do phone calls? You Hold Them Accountable. Tanya and Genelle, My story is the same too :/. And we are a wealthy family! I have to say after reading you article it does make perfect sense. To me, there is no other explanation. I could never imagine that the sweet kind generous woman I promised to love for the rest of my life, could be so deliberately hurtful, so callous and full of spite and disregard for my feelings. It has me thinking but in my case, I would say that I had the opposite experience. If they owe you money, hire a debt collector (if you need to) and step away from the adversarial role and let someone else do the dirty work. Yesterday, I wanted to give up. He has admitted what he was doing and also admitted what he feels. This has been my experience of Narcissists. He manages to spin evey bad situation into someone else being at fault. Most of these people around him had low self esteem and really did not want to be exposed for there own fears. I am also feeling at fault because I would always push him away when it came to affection/sex. If your narcissistic friend is supposed to have lunch with you, invite a few other friends without telling her. I am done beating my head into a wall. Mine came back after 8 years of doing what he wanted. There is no going forward in the relationship as he is unable to discuss any situation or take responsibilty for his behave. nothing worked. These type of conversations are usually safer in a public place like a park or restaurant, and you need to make sure you are not bluffing! All of the blaming, name-calling, lying, deflecting, financial abuse is worse. I think mentally healthy people are able to give some space and be tolerant of a partner who is not a carbon copy of themselves and therefore will differ on questions of tidiness, importance of money and life goals. They intercept a forward progress. He also tries to provoke me often telling me with a smile his best moments of the day were when he had been with one of his favorite female colleagues. I believe that the core problem is not the differences in living conditions that we all struggle to agree on and adhere to, but the underlying cognitive inabilities and resulting lack of empathy that gives rise to such a consistent lack of regard for another person. Getting my narcissist significant other to be accountable will never happen. Ronda Dee. I am a very loving and caring person that does not pick fights, but will defend myself for my safety. If I leave himhe will make mine and the kids lives a living hell!!! I categorize the severity of it by saying what percent of the time he is like this. It is so hard to read his a apologies and statements of ownership and progress. One of the most effective ways to induce a reverse discard is by using what is known . I understand why women with children with the narcissist stay with the NPD because of the children hoping things will change and get better, they have committed to marraige and family. He got nicer a week or so. I think the main thing is to BELIEVE and KNOW that you are not to blame for his bad moods and temper, whatever he says. Although it was his decision, not mine, he recently said that he felt abandoned by me before he abandoned me. How do we build trust, if my N is not willing to keep a promise? Thanks Kim.Unfortunately in my sad little world at the age of 51 I dont have any access to money.I rely on my husband totally.I dont even have a bank acc.Unbelevable I know!I met him when I was 15 and never went onto study.I finished high school,did some courses and did work until I had my children.I was lucky to b a stay at home mom.I did work here and there and when the children left home I did have a job at an animal shelter.I left and went to care in the UK and that was absolutely diasasterous for my marriage.He had women in my home and lived the life of a bachelor.Since then I have not worked.I live in a small town and work is really hard to come by.Also I wld have to use his car which he constantly threatens me with.At my age I have no confidence because I am constantly told how thick and stupid I am.I do all my own housework,cooking and so forth.Also every job Ive had hes accused me of having affairs with someone.I dont want to come across as the victim here but thats how it is.My husband has his own business of which I know nothing abt because he says it has nothing to do with me.I have tried to push the issue and get involved but to no avail.So yes,I wld love to purchase ur books but sadly cant,thats why I go online and try and read all I can wherever.Thanks for your time. The love-bombing stage is over. #43 Dear Tanya, After numerous requests for cooperation (5 years), (met with abject denials) I eventually went to my boss and asked that I deal with her through emails. And you have a right to your own views and feelings. I offered for you to drive the new one but you said no its ok, I drive the old one. I can only make choices for my self. I sit here feeling alone, empty, worn outas usual, he was in his funk, I was invisible most of the time to him, his excuse is his job issues(once again). I find myself resenting his behaviors and yet I am tying to keep my mouth shut. But it was when I got the cancer that my husband completely changed. The good thing I am glad he finally is looking old so the women will possibly be out of our lives. But he invented all kinds of stories about how succesful he was. They are innocent, and will use this to cry and tell others about you. Narcissists move on to distract themselves, prey on a new source of attention, or punish you. 6 Cut off all contact with them if you can. For myself and my family, I divorced in 1983 without ever understanding about NPD. I do love you and I hope you do too. He started his job about 6 months ago, since then, he has changed the way things were previously done by pointing out to those in charge how things were un-safehe told me his co workers call him health and safety for a nick namehe doesnt realise how I soooo get the name they have given him and I am afraid he has said too much at work. The means of asking for money at the very last minute, the lack of initiate to look for work, and his explosiveness and blaming when he does not receive money he asks for; has now led me very strongly to believe he is narcissist. THIS is Why Narcissists Refuse to be Accountable - Kim Saeed Is it a good idea to just go and do my own stuff then in a non-confrontational manner? So it is a balancing act to be courageous about setting boundaries but also being as warm as you are able to be. Mostly, nothing changed in the future, but I felt better (which of course, is another topic!) I was going to divorce him and he asked for forgiveness and a second chance it was good for a month but he couldnt keep it up and now 7 months later I am telling him I want a divorce our eclesiastical leader is helping he hopes to heal our marraige But I feel my N is immovable to compromise. I am all ears for any suggestions, because right now its hard to sayits o.k. Cause and effect. My boyfriend takes no responsibility for anything that he goes. However, he continued to push and push to see if I would break.trying to get me to act as immature as he wouldso he wouldnt feel inferior.or at least cause me pain to ease his own. 10) When it was time to renew our lease, which was possible, because I had found a great roommate and she wanted to stay another year. My spouse left and never said why just left and of course it is all my fault. I know that it is true by the company thst he keeps. Our ongoing battle has been over his ex-wife. My family and friends did not expect me to make it out of my marriage alive. etcthen says he is not violent. I dont tolerate stupidity anymore, from myself nor others. But I just feel like Im still the one doing all the work. 7 Alexia Demidova The Truth: Once you know, you know and can never unlearn it. Im still trying to get my life on track again and deal with a very messy property settlement with him. My phone broken, the destruction on my car, my stolen pics, do I just have to let go. Ive learned from reading all of these articles that screaming for him to hear me, complaining he doesnt listen, etc. (they seem to have a hard time understanding the grief I am experiencing, for starters!). I was not a good wife, or mother, so on etc. Do I defend myself how do I handle the lies he tells me or texts me. Its always something new to the list of bad things he does daily. They have to learn the life lessons on their own, no more hiding the family secrets. Nar need to see that they have to own what they have done and live through the consequences. He does have a unique bond with children in that they adore him, and I wonder if there are other partners of narcissist that have witnessed similiar bonds with children? He owes me large amounts of money, takes me to court to harass me and only takes notice of police and bailiffs. Knowing that the trap exists, that one is a victim of a narcissist, is indeed the first step towards overcoming their effects on one's life. We separated for 6 months and identified the things we needed to work on in order for her to move back in and us to be a family again. He tells me in a text later that night after Id told to drink concrete and harden up. That being said, we do know that narcissism is a behavior that can be reinforced or discouraged by the environment. I can be just who I plan to be. I am assertive and have boundaries, yet none of the above techniques worked. The problem is that everyone thinks they were both wonderful and there was something wrong with me. Further if you carry on like a Narc whilst being oblivious to the fact that its you who is actually dragging everyone down..i promptly fire you! 12 Amber Lives in Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK Author has 78 answers and 30.8K answer views 2 y Related I didnt set boundaries with him because i was so hurt by the sudden death of my husband. I dont recommend this to anyone, but as his abuses escalated over a long period of time and never decreased, in addition to other factors, I very carefully planned and executed the plan to leave and divorce him so I could survive. Said it was a hurt beyond which I could ever know! Per the Johns Hopkins Medicine Health Library, narcissism is a personality disorder, and it's treatable. I felt more distant. All I can say is wow. I agreed to come back to the relationship with many boundaries in place. I ask myself, how can I love a person so cruel? 20) You blame me for having credit but ask me to use it time and again. By pushing your buttons you are tempted to verbally protect yourself. Hi Ann, I certainly agree with Kim. 6) You gifted me a pair of boots and then pawned them without telling me, when you needed money. My advice, run! But Id love to hear him say he wanted to work on it again. He came back the same except, I know am aware of his limitations as well as mine. Kush #49 You are right when you say talking does no good. Some hopeful partially answered questions; yet, here we still are: trapped in our own cause of slavery. So I have a question, I hope someone could give me their perspective. Kim is the author of seven books on the topic of relationships and emotional intelligence. Im already doing that. I want to convey acceptance in this new activity which is actually appropriate but is not leaving time for us or home responsibilities. Ofcourse that did not go over well. When such small things happen occasionally in a relationship, they might be overlooked. Hes got issues with alcohol which I believe can be closely tied with narcissism. Now that I have a voice and he suffers consequences.he is can be harder to deal with. When you want to hold sway with someone (not only a person with narcissistic tendencies) the equation works something like this . You then asked me to lend you another $400.00 so you could buy Christmas presents. DA from what was explained to me, a true narcissist does not know how to lovehe knows how to survive on his narcissistic supplywhich is youuntil youre not. The more sensitive a narcissist is to criticism, the more likely it is they'll become mean, vengeful, and vindictive. Back From the Looking Glass may be important if he returns and the fighting starts again. That way I dont react if he adversely reacts. . We are certainly not about stroking his ego, but you need to be cool and calm to put a new plan into action. help me please Kim. Good luck, and let us hear from you from time to time. After his death i met a nother man, also with some npd behaviour. Da, I could have written your story You are me. No sleep and he would keep me awake I feared sleep for a year because as soon I fell a sleep he was gonna wake me either to be sweet or to fight. MARIE, But looking back, I guess Ive loved a few of them and I am just now seeing it. How to hold a Narcissist accountable.Holding a Narcissist She is also a functioning alcoholic and has had an affair. Being home is so draining. Can Narcissists Actually Change Their Ways? We Asked The - HuffPost Ive allowed my husband to twist and manipulate, not be held accountable for most of it. So I am glad its over. I have just stood by and finally let it all happen to him. Take care I find this interesting in that I now realize that I was married to 2 narcissistic men. As a Catholic priest advised me: Some people are just not capable of fulfilling the roles required of a marriage partner, i.e. Unfortunately he died 2 years ago. He goes to the himalayas next month on sabbatical for two months and I am praying to God he realizes how much he has hurt me and how much I truly love him and decides to change on his own. After another long fight, I agreed to add it to your tab and for you to pay it back with your monthly payments. I have come out of the fog, realizing how much I have been lied to & manipulatedI had feel under is spell and had the gas lighting tactic used on meand I am wanting him to be held accountable for all the things he has broken of mineat the times he has acted out destroying my personal property. I also did not raise my voice when I spoke. It is not wrong to use this survival skill, everyone benefits and it is to ensure your own safety. Kim reading over all the others complaints only reinforces these type of people do the same thing over and over. I am serious..and I would love to hear your take. When he starts calling me cheater and liar and states lies as facts no point to argue?? Hope that the blindness of narcissism, the torment it brought to our marriage, and the happiness it stole, will somehow heal itself, like a cut on a finger. I was taught at a young age to be a caretaker my grandmother choose me since I had patience. I kept thinking I was going crazy. They complimented you, insisted on your compatibility, and made you feel special. Im still trying to recover my self esteem. They want you to become irrational to have an excuse for their behavior. And SO much pain from people who have walked more than a mile in my shoes. How to Make a Narcissist Fear You? 12 Greatest Fears of the Narcissist How to hold a Narcissist accountable..Holding a Narcissist accountable requires having some type of leverage against them. Ohhh my God- I wish I had found this website and this article in the early stages of my marriage. My eldest is 15 and is still watched getting on and off the school bus!! Seems he decided to leave only after we were married. What is response? He is unstable and is alsi a habitual liar. Also 10 Steps To Overcome Co-dependence. Lived 25 years with verbal, mental, emotional and physical abuse. Love yourselves enough to cut your losses. I finally questioned it. I am sorry that I didnt see you original post but if he is gone I would suggest that you start with The Love Safety net Workbook and 10 Steps to Overcome Codpendence and also if you want personal comfort and soothing Lovable me. I understand the accountable methods u suggested, done it that way in spme situations. Its very interesting to hear the different experiences people have had. I am so grateful for all the support I have received here in the USA and looking forward to passing on strength, compassion and support. We have bitter fights about the importance of money in a married relationship. But that makes it no less hurtful and no less difficult to accept how she simply trashed our hopes and dreams together. Write in a journal, do something good for yourself. Talking down to people is rarely persuasive no matter how superior you feel your position to be. Are you safe? Ive heared my whole life that she is so wonderful. If there is anyone who can possibly help us with the legal stuff, we would greatly appreciate it. I managed to get my ground back in some important ways. I only realized what narcissism is about when my current boyfriend told me he was a narcissist , I didnt get it at first. 10 Things That Narcissistic Men Fear The Most - Divorced Moms I think that is why i am attracted to these kind of people. And it went too far once, already, he has had an affair. 29 years has taken its toll, it is not easy at all trying to get mentally healthy myself, while protecting myself from further hurt from my husband. Told me after he left that he wasnt giving up his friends, any of them. He hides these lovely attributes in certain company people he wants to impress and/or people he craves admiration from. When I started realizing it all , I was panicking , feeling trapped each passing moment . The Narcissist's Excuses - Mental Health Matters Cofe When dealing with the childlike behavior and consequences another good place for practical steps is love and logic. It is not a control issue, but a stress reliever for your soul. Creating Word Salad Conflicts. Now because I am moving across the country, I am being blamed for him losing the house. I ignored all of his suggestions, found a fab clinic to provide all my treatments in, perfect location and great clients to gain Before that happened we split up after him not handling our discussion about his controlling ability. Leopards never change their spots, they just get darker and he is up to all his old tricks and then some. His mother committed suicide when he was a child and later his father and step-mother abandon him in his mid-teens. This is why we highlight the need for action. Do NOT get into and argument and DO NOT take these steps without reading all the steps you need in our book Back From the Looking Glass. The good thing I have taken care of many members but most of all this is how I have withstand being married to a man like this for this long. This is often referred to as "love bombing." I have no idea what goes on there and he has take. By respecting my emotional, mental, physical health, financials, relationships with others, mature consequence based choices..it became very easy to see, that at no point, was tolerating this persons selfish, cruel, abusive, irresponsible and dangerous bullsh*t, a correct choice in any way shape or form. Sometimes were in love with the image of the person that we admire. During one of these times, she may lose her life. I do love him. July 16, 2020. I would like to hear more about how to protect our 10-year-old son. True, it is impossible without Gods help and others support! He isolates me from his friends because he knows that I see his other self emerge in front of them, and he does not want me to call him out on it (I have done so before, with terrible consequences). He was a wonderful, handsome man. 3) You wanted to clean up your credit and had a car repo on it. Ive lived with this for 24+ years and I have had it. Hi Pamela and welcome (-: Empathy is not going to help him but him coming face to face with reality will. He tells me Im the sick one that needs help, and do you know hes right ! Ive become a new strong women and he has become a new man. I have only learned that I must accept being crucified, and still have the opportunity to live forward. He does not know how to be himself as a child so when he has questions and here is the hard part for me to remember, he really doesnt know beyond the child age he is. (We were married for seven years and have been divorced for 1 1/2 years now.) My story is not so different from many documented here. Is Narcissism a Choice? | Narcissist Hunter - medium.com Hi Elaine and welcome (-: Stepping out of the way of the consequences you describe would mean having him charged and put in jail for his assaults on you. It is a lesson that no one needs to learn through experience when they can simply and with much less emotional and spiritual costs, avoid EVER having to confront. Some of us need to consider that while we are suffering for days months and yrs..that our health is also suffering from stress. No amount of behavioural changes will alter that brain function however if the N person needs you in their life I think you will be able to make the relationship work by managing the impact of their cognitive disability on your self. It would have saved me a lot of heartache and loss. And he is blaming her for his spending of her money! One day, I will be thinking or doing something other than engaging in the endless hours of preoccupation about another tumultuous display of rage and blame, when he comes to me and finally saysI now understand. Your comment stuck with me. You need firm boundaries that are real and you need a new repertoire of comeback lines that end non productive conversations before they even begin. My first calls to the police did not go well either until a policeman I met taught me about how to deal with the police if you want them on side. He owes me money and keeps asking for more. I have to ask money now for groceries and my parents have had to send money to survive on twice! In the case of a one off event I believe that yes the person should be held accountable preferably by a court of law.